In "Honey & Clover", Ikuta Toma's character realised he didn't know anymore what he was doing. That he was going nowhere. That he hadn't found his passion in life. So he just left. Packed a few necessity, got on a bike and just left. He'd ride his bike for as long and as far as he could, then stop, rest, and then keep going. He didn't have anyone or anything. But he just left anyway.
It's what I wish I could do. If I can't die, and I can't get an education and a career and because I have no future here or anything, I just wish I could go like that. Either just get on my bike and make my way away. Or jump on a plane and just go somewhere really far away. I wish I could disappear from this place, cause it's too painful to be here.
onsdag 27. juni 2012
My body aches as my heart is breaking. Why is life making me hollow?
I'm just a disappointment to my parents. I'm a nobody to my siblings. And I'm nothing to everyone else. I know my nephew is fond of me, but he's so young that I know he wouldn't even know or really care if he never saw me again. He's too young to remember anything. And maybe some of them would be sad if I was gone, but that's just protocoll. I honestly believe that they'd all be fine very soon. They all have someone, and I don't matter to them that much. Not enough to make them truly sad.
I can't do anything right. I can't set my mind straight. I honestly can't see a future ahead of me. It's all blurred out by tears that fill my eyes whenever no one is around to see. Because you know that is how it is, you're not to show anyone your tears. Not your weaknesses, not your flaws. Don't show anyone anything real.
I think people are filled with a passion for something. But it doesn't seem to be evident in me. If it possibly might have been there at some point, it has died out already. I can't remember having ever felt a passion for anything. Maybe I've just always been dead inside? I have no desire to really do anything anymore. Which makes me frustrated even more, cause everyone else have something.
Sometimes I wish I could put my life on hold. Pause the whole world. Make everything stop. I don't care if there would be no one to talk to or interact with. I just want to stop it all, and take my own time to really think everything through. All though I am not positive I would have found an answer even if I had all the time in the world to look for it. I still wish I could just stop it all and take my time, just be alone. Because I am confused, but the world keeps going. And everyone keep pushing me, and I just don't know. Cause it doesn't seem like I am really capable of doing this. And I see the disappointment in my parents eyes. And it makes my heart hurt everytime they scold me or push me, cause I am not ready. It's uncomfortable and I can't say anything.
Why am I such a coward? Why can't I be brave and speak my mind?
People doesn't understand either, that some just can't deal with others. I have a small fuel tank, I have only so much energy for people. They make me uncomfortable and tired. I can't stand small talk and being nice to someone I don't know or care for. It's such wasted time. I don't like people, cause I don't know what to say to them or how to interact with them. I'm me, and there's no other way to look at it but to say that I am far too different from them all. So I just don't get along with others. Besides I must generally be a very dislikable person anyways. No one ever try to befriend me or ask me to hang out. Friends I've had before have all had a lot of people who liked them and that asked them to do this and that with them. But even my ex-friends never bothered with me (does that mean they were ever even my friends?). So I came to the conclusion that I must be quite detestable. I thought I was okay, but it seems like I'm just not. Which have given me more anxiety towards people and crowds and all of that, it's unbearably uncomfortable to me. I just can't deal hanging out with people anymore. I don't stay behind at school to study because the people make me uncomfortable and I get all anxious and paranoid. I don't like going out because of those things too. I know they don't see it or understand it, and it's my fault for not being able to say anything. But I just wish... I just was to explode and scream that I can't take it anymore. I'm not like you, so don't act like you know what to do and how to be. Because I'm not you and your words are just hurtful.
My heart seriously hurt. Occasionally it also get's hard to breath. And I wanna scream at everyone, even if I know it's none of their fault. But why can't they understand? Why does no one see the pain I'm in? It hurts so much, why am I so alone, why can't anyone understand and care at all?
Yeah I am too weak to ever really do anything, like end my life for real. But it doesn't stop me from wishing, when I cry myself to sleep, that I just won't wake up tomorrow.
They say it get's better. But it really just doesn't.
It seems to really be, that I just don't belong in this world.
I can't do anything right. I can't set my mind straight. I honestly can't see a future ahead of me. It's all blurred out by tears that fill my eyes whenever no one is around to see. Because you know that is how it is, you're not to show anyone your tears. Not your weaknesses, not your flaws. Don't show anyone anything real.
I think people are filled with a passion for something. But it doesn't seem to be evident in me. If it possibly might have been there at some point, it has died out already. I can't remember having ever felt a passion for anything. Maybe I've just always been dead inside? I have no desire to really do anything anymore. Which makes me frustrated even more, cause everyone else have something.
Sometimes I wish I could put my life on hold. Pause the whole world. Make everything stop. I don't care if there would be no one to talk to or interact with. I just want to stop it all, and take my own time to really think everything through. All though I am not positive I would have found an answer even if I had all the time in the world to look for it. I still wish I could just stop it all and take my time, just be alone. Because I am confused, but the world keeps going. And everyone keep pushing me, and I just don't know. Cause it doesn't seem like I am really capable of doing this. And I see the disappointment in my parents eyes. And it makes my heart hurt everytime they scold me or push me, cause I am not ready. It's uncomfortable and I can't say anything.
Why am I such a coward? Why can't I be brave and speak my mind?
People doesn't understand either, that some just can't deal with others. I have a small fuel tank, I have only so much energy for people. They make me uncomfortable and tired. I can't stand small talk and being nice to someone I don't know or care for. It's such wasted time. I don't like people, cause I don't know what to say to them or how to interact with them. I'm me, and there's no other way to look at it but to say that I am far too different from them all. So I just don't get along with others. Besides I must generally be a very dislikable person anyways. No one ever try to befriend me or ask me to hang out. Friends I've had before have all had a lot of people who liked them and that asked them to do this and that with them. But even my ex-friends never bothered with me (does that mean they were ever even my friends?). So I came to the conclusion that I must be quite detestable. I thought I was okay, but it seems like I'm just not. Which have given me more anxiety towards people and crowds and all of that, it's unbearably uncomfortable to me. I just can't deal hanging out with people anymore. I don't stay behind at school to study because the people make me uncomfortable and I get all anxious and paranoid. I don't like going out because of those things too. I know they don't see it or understand it, and it's my fault for not being able to say anything. But I just wish... I just was to explode and scream that I can't take it anymore. I'm not like you, so don't act like you know what to do and how to be. Because I'm not you and your words are just hurtful.
My heart seriously hurt. Occasionally it also get's hard to breath. And I wanna scream at everyone, even if I know it's none of their fault. But why can't they understand? Why does no one see the pain I'm in? It hurts so much, why am I so alone, why can't anyone understand and care at all?
Yeah I am too weak to ever really do anything, like end my life for real. But it doesn't stop me from wishing, when I cry myself to sleep, that I just won't wake up tomorrow.
They say it get's better. But it really just doesn't.
It seems to really be, that I just don't belong in this world.
mandag 27. februar 2012
Ikke har jeg noen gang tenkt at jeg skulle tatt en operasjon, så jeg kunne følt meg vel for en gang skyld. Så skinnet mitt ikke lenger ville være det mest ukomfortable stedet jeg alltid må være i. Kanskje fordi jeg kommer fra en noen lunde konservativ familie som jeg elsker så uendelig mye. En familie jeg er for alltid takknemlig for. Som jeg alltid vil være i gjeld til, for jeg har fått så mye at jeg vil aldri kunne gi nok tilbake. Og jeg vet at de aldri kan skjønne hvordan jeg har det.
De ville nok ikke hatt noe med meg å gjøre mer. Det tror jeg faktisk. Jeg tror ikke jeg heller ville klart å forholde meg til dem, hadde jeg plutselig var blitt en gutt. Uansett hvor høyt jeg elsker dem, så er det noen ting som en aldri kan jobbe seg igjennom. Dette ville vært en av de tingene.
Heller prøver jeg mer og mer å være slik jeg egentlig vil være. Klærne mine er veldig guttete og casual. Ikke liker jeg at folk ser kroppen min. Delvis fordi jeg hate alle arrene og føler at alle dømmer og mislike meg om noe vises. Jeg unngår å vise former som en kvinne. Om det ikke gjorde så vondt ville jeg virkelig alltid ha bandasjert brystene mine så brystet ble seende flatt ut. Jeg prøver å miste vekt, og kanskje folk tror jeg prøver å bli sunn. Mens egentlig så tenker jeg at kanskje vil jeg kunne se mer ut som en gutt om jeg mistet litt her og der. Igjen er jeg av de uheldige der. Kroppen min er slik at den legger på seg fort, men mister uendelig sakte. Noen brenner kalorier for ingenting, og holder seg tynn uten å gjøre noe. Så gode gener og hell er ikke jeg født med. Så det er veldig vanskelig egentlig.
Jeg har ikke noe tro på dietter egentlig. De er så midlertidig. En rask løsning. Men de som går på dietter faller fort tilbake og blir en jojo i stedet. Jeg tror at vi må heller lære å spise det vi liker, men i moderate mengder. Livet er for kort til å kaste det bort og ikke nyte det vi liker. Spis godt, tren og lev. Vel, prøv i alle fall.
Jeg skulle bare ønske at innsatsen vår ville bli belønnet. Jobber du hardt, vil du få gode ting tilbake. Er du god vil din karma være god og universet god mot deg. Men jeg føler det som at ingenting noen gang går min vei. Jeg har uhell i uhell i hundre folder. Jeg gjør ingen vondt og er ikke en dårlig person, men karmaen min sparker meg likevel ned. Jeg jobber og jobber og jobber, men aldri får jeg noe tilbake.
Er det rart man går lei av alt?
De ville nok ikke hatt noe med meg å gjøre mer. Det tror jeg faktisk. Jeg tror ikke jeg heller ville klart å forholde meg til dem, hadde jeg plutselig var blitt en gutt. Uansett hvor høyt jeg elsker dem, så er det noen ting som en aldri kan jobbe seg igjennom. Dette ville vært en av de tingene.
Heller prøver jeg mer og mer å være slik jeg egentlig vil være. Klærne mine er veldig guttete og casual. Ikke liker jeg at folk ser kroppen min. Delvis fordi jeg hate alle arrene og føler at alle dømmer og mislike meg om noe vises. Jeg unngår å vise former som en kvinne. Om det ikke gjorde så vondt ville jeg virkelig alltid ha bandasjert brystene mine så brystet ble seende flatt ut. Jeg prøver å miste vekt, og kanskje folk tror jeg prøver å bli sunn. Mens egentlig så tenker jeg at kanskje vil jeg kunne se mer ut som en gutt om jeg mistet litt her og der. Igjen er jeg av de uheldige der. Kroppen min er slik at den legger på seg fort, men mister uendelig sakte. Noen brenner kalorier for ingenting, og holder seg tynn uten å gjøre noe. Så gode gener og hell er ikke jeg født med. Så det er veldig vanskelig egentlig.
Jeg har ikke noe tro på dietter egentlig. De er så midlertidig. En rask løsning. Men de som går på dietter faller fort tilbake og blir en jojo i stedet. Jeg tror at vi må heller lære å spise det vi liker, men i moderate mengder. Livet er for kort til å kaste det bort og ikke nyte det vi liker. Spis godt, tren og lev. Vel, prøv i alle fall.
Jeg skulle bare ønske at innsatsen vår ville bli belønnet. Jobber du hardt, vil du få gode ting tilbake. Er du god vil din karma være god og universet god mot deg. Men jeg føler det som at ingenting noen gang går min vei. Jeg har uhell i uhell i hundre folder. Jeg gjør ingen vondt og er ikke en dårlig person, men karmaen min sparker meg likevel ned. Jeg jobber og jobber og jobber, men aldri får jeg noe tilbake.
Er det rart man går lei av alt?
Noen ganger føles spørsmål om kjønn som en trang boks. Som et altfor stort spørsmål til at "gutt/jente" svar skal holde. Hva er det egentlig folk vil vite? Kan jo selvsagt logisk nok anta at de spør hvilket kjønn du teknisk sett er. Og da holder det å si at man er "gutt/jente".
Men er det ikke slik at for noen så føles det ikke rett. Det kjønnet man ble født til, det føles mer som en mørk regnsky over hodet ditt, som en hånd om halsen kveler deg. Jeg har alltid følt det slik.
Når jeg var ung tenkte jeg jo aldri over det. At det var egentlig litt av en merkelig følelse jeg hadde. Når ordet "jente" ble som en forbannelse, et ord som egentlig ikke tilhørte meg. Har alltid likt å tenke på meg selv som en gutt. Ønsket at en dag ville jeg våkne og ha en annen kropp. Drømt om det livet jeg hadde levd om mitt kjønn var riktig. Om det finnes en Gud, flere Guder, eller noe ute i universet, og jeg kunne stillt et spørsmål til vedkommende. Så hadde jeg spurt:
"Hvorfor er du så ondskapsfull at du ikke like nøye skaper oss alle slik at ingen ville vært nødt til å føle den vonde følelsen det er å skjønne at man bor i feil kropp?"
Men er det ikke slik at for noen så føles det ikke rett. Det kjønnet man ble født til, det føles mer som en mørk regnsky over hodet ditt, som en hånd om halsen kveler deg. Jeg har alltid følt det slik.
Når jeg var ung tenkte jeg jo aldri over det. At det var egentlig litt av en merkelig følelse jeg hadde. Når ordet "jente" ble som en forbannelse, et ord som egentlig ikke tilhørte meg. Har alltid likt å tenke på meg selv som en gutt. Ønsket at en dag ville jeg våkne og ha en annen kropp. Drømt om det livet jeg hadde levd om mitt kjønn var riktig. Om det finnes en Gud, flere Guder, eller noe ute i universet, og jeg kunne stillt et spørsmål til vedkommende. Så hadde jeg spurt:
"Hvorfor er du så ondskapsfull at du ikke like nøye skaper oss alle slik at ingen ville vært nødt til å føle den vonde følelsen det er å skjønne at man bor i feil kropp?"
Empty hearts
"Empty pockets never held anyone back. Only empty heads and empty hearts can do that."
- Norman Vincent Peale
I want to believe in that. But time and time again life has shown me that I can't get anywhere because I have nothing in my pockets to get me there. Or maybe it's that my heart has grown empty over the years. Maybe my heart is so small there's no room for anything in it. Maybe I was born empty.
- Norman Vincent Peale
I want to believe in that. But time and time again life has shown me that I can't get anywhere because I have nothing in my pockets to get me there. Or maybe it's that my heart has grown empty over the years. Maybe my heart is so small there's no room for anything in it. Maybe I was born empty.
“For some loners, a paucity of friends is a matter of time. There is simply too much to do alone, no time to spare. Shared time, while not entirely wasted if the sharer is a true friend, must be parceled out with care, like rationed flour. And time shared, even with true friends, often requires loners to put in extra time alone, overtime, to recharge. It is a matter of energy: As a rule, loners have less for the social machinery, the talk and sympathy. Our fuel runs out. This is what nonloners don’t understand about us, what they cannot see. We do not choose to have such tiny fuel tanks. These can be quite inconvenient. They are why we seem rude, when we do, why we seem bored and often are. Spaced-out and often are. Running on empty. Not heartless. Not unappreciative. Not fools. We know the rest of the world has big tanks. We know they don’t know.”
— Anneli Rufus, Party of One: The Loner’s Manifesto
— Anneli Rufus, Party of One: The Loner’s Manifesto
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