I'm just a disappointment to my parents. I'm a nobody to my siblings. And I'm nothing to everyone else. I know my nephew is fond of me, but he's so young that I know he wouldn't even know or really care if he never saw me again. He's too young to remember anything. And maybe some of them would be sad if I was gone, but that's just protocoll. I honestly believe that they'd all be fine very soon. They all have someone, and I don't matter to them that much. Not enough to make them truly sad.
I can't do anything right. I can't set my mind straight. I honestly can't see a future ahead of me. It's all blurred out by tears that fill my eyes whenever no one is around to see. Because you know that is how it is, you're not to show anyone your tears. Not your weaknesses, not your flaws. Don't show anyone anything real.
I think people are filled with a passion for something. But it doesn't seem to be evident in me. If it possibly might have been there at some point, it has died out already. I can't remember having ever felt a passion for anything. Maybe I've just always been dead inside? I have no desire to really do anything anymore. Which makes me frustrated even more, cause everyone else have something.
Sometimes I wish I could put my life on hold. Pause the whole world. Make everything stop. I don't care if there would be no one to talk to or interact with. I just want to stop it all, and take my own time to really think everything through. All though I am not positive I would have found an answer even if I had all the time in the world to look for it. I still wish I could just stop it all and take my time, just be alone. Because I am confused, but the world keeps going. And everyone keep pushing me, and I just don't know. Cause it doesn't seem like I am really capable of doing this. And I see the disappointment in my parents eyes. And it makes my heart hurt everytime they scold me or push me, cause I am not ready. It's uncomfortable and I can't say anything.
Why am I such a coward? Why can't I be brave and speak my mind?
People doesn't understand either, that some just can't deal with others. I have a small fuel tank, I have only so much energy for people. They make me uncomfortable and tired. I can't stand small talk and being nice to someone I don't know or care for. It's such wasted time. I don't like people, cause I don't know what to say to them or how to interact with them. I'm me, and there's no other way to look at it but to say that I am far too different from them all. So I just don't get along with others. Besides I must generally be a very dislikable person anyways. No one ever try to befriend me or ask me to hang out. Friends I've had before have all had a lot of people who liked them and that asked them to do this and that with them. But even my ex-friends never bothered with me (does that mean they were ever even my friends?). So I came to the conclusion that I must be quite detestable. I thought I was okay, but it seems like I'm just not. Which have given me more anxiety towards people and crowds and all of that, it's unbearably uncomfortable to me. I just can't deal hanging out with people anymore. I don't stay behind at school to study because the people make me uncomfortable and I get all anxious and paranoid. I don't like going out because of those things too. I know they don't see it or understand it, and it's my fault for not being able to say anything. But I just wish... I just was to explode and scream that I can't take it anymore. I'm not like you, so don't act like you know what to do and how to be. Because I'm not you and your words are just hurtful.
My heart seriously hurt. Occasionally it also get's hard to breath. And I wanna scream at everyone, even if I know it's none of their fault. But why can't they understand? Why does no one see the pain I'm in? It hurts so much, why am I so alone, why can't anyone understand and care at all?
Yeah I am too weak to ever really do anything, like end my life for real. But it doesn't stop me from wishing, when I cry myself to sleep, that I just won't wake up tomorrow.
They say it get's better. But it really just doesn't.
It seems to really be, that I just don't belong in this world.
Ingen kommentarer:
Legg inn en kommentar